It’s one of those days again, actually one of those weeks if I’m honest. One where all I want to do is cry. I miss you sooo much. Not a day goes by that you aren’t on my mind and I often find myself asking god why?? Why you?? Why me?? Why he couldn’t write our story different?? Why couldn’t my high school crush come back and find me?? I still have the Smurf you gave me at the Christmas party back in 2010, I’m gonna unpack him so I could sleep with him. I remember that day like it was yesterday, how there were literally about 200 of the same smurfs but you had to get a specific one for me, one that had an even amount of stuffing throughout his whole body, how you literally started pushing any and everybody out of your way because you were so eager to find the perfect one so Michelle stepped in to help you. How when I asked why’d you do all that pushing and shoving just for a smurf?? Your exact words were “because I love you.” I miss you sooo much especially when I’m hungry but I can’t reach the ingredients in the cabinet because I’m so short. I miss asking you to say something to me in Spanish even though I knew you didn’t know not one word.
I miss how much you hated your curls but let them grow just so I could play in them. They say it gets easier but for me it hasn’t. They say I cry because you wouldn’t want me too but sometimes it’s all I want to do. My mom asks me a lot of questions about you…she says if she would’ve met you she would’ve loved you too. Since learning of your passing I haven’t allowed myself to get close to anyone. I don’t know how. I’m scared. Scared that if I let someone new in the same thing will happen all over again.