It’s one of those days again, actually one of those weeks if I’m honest. One where all I want to do is cry. I miss you sooo much. Not a day goes by that you aren’t on my mind and I often find myself asking god why?? Why you?? Why me?? Why he couldn’t write our story different?? Why couldn’t my high school crush come back and find me?? I still have the Smurf you gave me at the Christmas party back in 2010, I’m gonna unpack him so I could sleep with him. I remember that day like it was yesterday, how there were literally about 200 of the same smurfs but you had to get a specific one for me, one that had an even amount of stuffing throughout his whole body, how you literally started pushing any and everybody out of your way because you were so eager to find the perfect one so Michelle stepped in to help you. How when I asked why’d you do all that pushing and shoving just for a smurf?? Your exact words were “because I love you.” I miss you sooo much especially when I’m hungry but I can’t reach the ingredients in the cabinet because I’m so short. I miss asking you to say something to me in Spanish even though I knew you didn’t know not one word.
I miss how much you hated your curls but let them grow just so I could play in them. They say it gets easier but for me it hasn’t. They say I cry because you wouldn’t want me too but sometimes it’s all I want to do. My mom asks me a lot of questions about you…she says if she would’ve met you she would’ve loved you too. Since learning of your passing I haven’t allowed myself to get close to anyone. I don’t know how. I’m scared. Scared that if I let someone new in the same thing will happen all over again.
Guest post from Instagram: conqueringall2019
It’s not me, it’s you, you have to go!! You’re not welcome here, in fact you never were. See the way you made your way into my life was quite smooth if I don’t say so myself. You played with the fact that I have a disability and that I have to use a wheelchair because of it. You squeezed yourself in a little more when people made fun of the way I spoke or asked why’d I sound like that.
Then you somehow managed your way to my looks. Growing up I constantly heard “you’d be so beautiful if you weren’t in that chair” as if my looks had something to do with the chair. I heard that so much that I actually believed it.
Are you happy with yourself for causing so much pain in my life?? Does it boost your ego by constantly tormenting me with mean words from the past?? You have to go!! Does it make you happy knowing that I actually believed your lies constantly repeating them to myself day after day, month after month, year after year??
While you’ve most certainly been my longest relationship, it’s time I say goodbye. The love you have for me is no longer needed. I found someone new, her name is confidence and she loves me!!
Unlike you she makes me feel strong, smart and most importantly she lets me know that I am beautiful!! So insecurities I hope you enjoyed your stay but pack all your shit cause you have to go!!!