Personal Check In

I’m actually doing okay this week. I went to my psychiatrist last Friday and I’m really unsure about what I feel about him. I honestly almost didn’t go. Last time we talked a lot about my diet and cooking vegetables. I was not in the mood to talk about different ways to cook squash.
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I thought about cancelling. Then I decided to just get it out of the way because I am taking an anti depressant right now and I was nervous that he wouldn’t refill my prescription if I cancelled… Even though I have enough for a couple more weeks, but I didn’t want to push it and I kind of just wanted it out of the way. I was feeling kind of crappy last week and I mean, I didn’t really have an excuse not to go except I didn’t feel like it. Sometimes it feels just like an hour of weird, judgy silence in between me talking too much.
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My car battery died that morning and I was like that’s the sign, I shouldn’t go. My husband jumped my car battery and I still made it to work on time. Seriously, I looked for anything that day. My boss took a while to get back to me about leaving early and I told my husband like “well, I guess I can’t go.”  Five minutes later my boss said fine and my car started, so I went.
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When I got there a woman was sitting outside the office in the little hallway/waiting room (seriously, its a chair in a hallway) and I was like… Oh shit, maybe my time was wrong. I bet I was wrong, or he was wrong and then I don’t really have to come today. I even went back to my car and text my husband that I thought I was wrong and I should just leave and he told me that I should stay. So I did, but I told myself that I would use the 15 minute rule and I would leave if he didn’t come out for me in 15 minutes. Then the people left and I went in.
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I told him I was fine. I told him everything was cool and I felt good. Then I told him how I felt about work and being unappreciated and how I felt stuck but I was working on my books and blog and trying to figure out how to promote it better.  I said we are still planing on moving to San Diego as soon as we can.
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I told him how I was finding it sometimes hard to balance work and family and trying to promote anything about my blog or books. He said I should consider taking one day off every month and doing strictly book promotion work. Go somewhere and get out there. See where I can promote my stuff and then actually go do it. Then he asked me what my book was about and I told him but I felt like I sounded so dumb and I just kept talking until I couldn’t stand myself and I finally just shut up.
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I realized how unconfident I am in myself and my work.
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This year I am going to work on myself more. I think I am going to take the day off every month and try to find places where I can promote myself. I am so uncomfortable being the center of anything and I need to make myself get out there a little bit more. I do love my stories and I do think they are good and I should be able to tell someone about them without feeling like an idiot.
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So that’s where I am at right now. Going to work on me. I bought a planner for 2020 a few weeks ago and I am using it. I feel like if I write stuff down I will get it done. Plus, I love me a good to do list.
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What about you? Is there something you do to help motivate you? If someone asked you what your stuff was about, would you be nervous talking about it?

9 thoughts on “Personal Check In

  1. Thank you for being raw. I do that damaging self talk too. I think I’m my own worst enemy. I also got a planner. Blogging (and I’m sure writing a book) is a full time job in and of itself. You work full time on top of that. Then finding time to promote yourself is also daunting. You are really working three jobs, have a husband, and a family. Hug yourself and give yourself a pat on the back. You are awesome.


  2. I love the idea of taking a day off a month to focus on your book. Feels like I should do that with my blog. But I’m aware that days I’m home and could work on my blog I end up watching TV or wasting time. I have started taking a day here and there off work to do self-care and just chill. It makes such a difference. If I’m having a hard time at work or a period of high stress it helps me push through if I know I’ve got a day off coming up.


  3. Wow reading this hit home for me especially with the therapy and also having confidence in my writing. Sometimes that little internal voice of self doubt is the loudest and sadly the only one we tend to listen to. Your 2020 goals sound fab, thank you for sharing 🙂


  4. I’m so proud of you for actually going! I’m also guilty of skipping things I know I probably should do.
    Go you for being so open and honest and for focusing on yourself more this year. You got this!


  5. Good for you for going through with the appointment. When I don’t want to do something I look for all sorts of little signs, too. But they can be misinterpreted.
    It’s hard to work on yourself, and sometimes you hit a “keep on keeping on” phase where there aren’t huge breakthroughs–but progress is still being made!


  6. I like that your therapist suggested you work on your writing. It really does feel like therapy! I love a good list too! It’s great that you’re choosing to work on yourself this year. And that your hubby is supportive of that commitment.


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