I still don’t remember hours of that day.

It took two weeks just to feel normal.

My job was fine with the people I work with. my boss did not understand at all. I don’t think I would have either if i didn’t go through it. He said in a department meeting “she just keeps complaining about headaches.” Even though he has the ER report as well as a note from my doctor.

I still don’t remember hours of that day. I’m still annoyed about it. I think I would be the same way as my boss if I was the boss.

It’s weird saying my brain is stressed. And that is okay. It’s weird saying that I can’t remember something you told me yesterday… and that is okay too. It’s really weird that I don’t even think to do the things that I normally do. Like check the bank balance, and my credit, and the other bank balance first thing in the morning… I just think about peeing and brushing my teeth.

Everything is still weird. I’m torn with going back to work full time and asking for more time off. It’s been 16 days.

My son has been acting out at school a bit. He was especially mad when I forgot to give him money for the school store on Tuesday, or forgot to remind him about things for class… The woman in the gym said he’s been sad lately. Can she be a little more specific? Like forever or this week? Cause that made me feel awful. Am I failing? Cause sometimes it feels like I am.

Like his kindergarten teacher said he wasn’t reading well… we worked for weeks on his sight words. He knew them all. Then she said he was still struggling. I thought it was my fault because I hate talking in front of people. Maybe he inherited that. I’m not sure that’s a gene.

Turns out a year later, he needs glasses. He couldn’t see the fucking board. He couldn’t read your stupid sight words because he couldn’t fucking see them, whore. Way to make the parents feel awful. And the kid. Sam knew it and you made him feel bad for not being able to see it. Way to go. I know teachers have a tough job, I have a hard time teaching my kids… but way to fail. In the future things to ask:

1.) what can we do to help?

2.) what would you suggest?

3.) how can we follow up on this?

4.) how can we talk more often?

5.) how do we prepare them for more…

Sometimes you get a bum ass teacher though. Like Mrs. Baloney. That’s not her real name but it may as well be. She’s generic. She started him low and passed him on the simple fact that she needed to show growth in her reports. It’s not her fault entirely. But she failed me. And she made me feel like there was an issue when there wasn’t. But she passed in the school system. And that’s her job. I think that she was probably awesome when she started. And years and years of change and new things changed her view. As well as personal life. Maybe she was trying to direct us…But instead she made us feel awful. And she was Just trying to keep her job. Maybe. Sam’s teacher now has recommended him for the honors program. I am proud and mad at that stupid kindergarten teacher. How could you not see it? I want to tell her in the hallway that she’s a dumb cunt who needs to correct her ‘holier than thou’ attitude. Talk to me like a parent please. And stop making your kids stand in front of the class reciting sight words for table points. Also, choke on you’re stupid table points, bitch.

Hello?

Stop! No! What the?!?!?

What did you say? Next year April? Sure!!!!

Hopefully there won’t be any virus/allergy/fever/flu going around and we can get together and catch up.

2019? Sounds good!!!!

Miss and love you too!

Maybe you’d hear more if you listen

Maybe you’d see more if you look

Maybe you’d feel more … Maybe

That’s how I feel right now.

I’m pretty sure that’s not the way it’s supposed to be.

I’m empty

That’s how my heart is feeling and my body is yelling at me for food. But I just want to feel this right now. Empty…

I can smell the stale cigarette on my finger. And feel the hollow pit in my gut asking for something to eat. I won’t feed it.

It’s almost like I need to feel this. Empty.

There is so much in my life to be grateful for and yet I don’t feel like I deserve it much.

When my kids wake and call my name and my husband looks at me, this will go away. Right now, in the middle of the night with my stomach yelling at me and my chest vacant, i’m empty.

A shell is how I feel. A lucky shell, cause I have built love around me. And it will come in the morning. But this moment.

Once in a while, when this happens. I’m just empty.

void of anything. vacant. not worth what people say at all. how can they even love a shell? I don’t deserve any of it. When I can’t put this feeling aside and feel. I don’t deserve it.

When I can’t feel anything but empty.

I actually like the numbness. sometimes.

How can there be a heart so hollow? I know it’s there. I know it. But tonight it’s empty.

I’m such a fool. I’m so needed and so selfish sometimes. Why am I so selfish? And then to let this feeling in and almost welcome it? Emptiness? Is that what you want? You’ll let it win and let it think it deserves a moment of your life?

And yet, I’m empty.

So empty I am going to go to bed and I will curl into a ball around  it and then watch the sun come up and wait to hear my babies call for me. I’ll go to work with bags under my eyes and try not to cry when the feelings come back and I miss my family with every fiber of my being. I’ll need a hug and crave it from my husband. I’ll hate myself for not being what he deserves. I’ll focus on good things coming up and tell myself to stop being such a  selfish shit. There is no room in your life for being empty. Not when it’s so full.

Tomorrow I’ll binge and eat till I’m to full and feel so much I want to cry but today

this moment, I will be empty.

Once upon a time there was a caterpillar.

The caterpillar wanted to draw a picture of a butterfly.

So she got her crayons. Red, orange, yellow, green, blue and purple

and pink.

The caterpillar drew the biggest most beautiful butterfly that she could imagine. And when she was done, she was hungry. Really hungry. So she ate. A lot. Then she was sleepy. Really sleepy. So she made herself a cocoon and slept for a while. When she woke up, she broke out of her cocoon and stretched her wings.

They were the biggest most beautiful wings she had ever seen. Red, orange, yellow, green blue and purple…

and pink.

In a great big world

there is a great brown house

In the great big house

there is a great big family

Who love each other

Every day and always.

This family has a great big daddy

with great big arms

that he wraps around his most favorite people.

His wife, great big mommy.

His boy, Great big baby.

And his puppy, great big nacho.

Great big mommy loves her

great

big

boys.

and great big baby, Sam loves exploring his great big house.

with his great big puppa dog, Nacho

Sam starts his day with milk

Nacho starts his day with a walk

Sam eats breakfast and shares

Nacho waits for Sam to share

Sam loves kisses

Nacho loves to give kisses.

Sam love to ride puppies

Nacho does not like to be ridden

Nacho loves blankies

Sam love to draw… even on walls.

Nacho loves to drink from the toilet.

Sam loves to climb on the toilet

and run water in the sink

and brush his teeth.

Nacho watches

Nacho tells big parents when Sam makes big poops.

Great big parents like to cook

Sam likes to help

Nacho likes to clean up

Great big family eats at their great big table

an Nacho waits for Sam to share.

Sam shares a lot.

Bath time is Sams favorite.

Great big family climbs into a great big bed.

They hug and read.

Sam drinks milk. Nacho steals blankies.

Time to sleep

Sam goes to his bed.

Nacho covers his head

Mommy and Daddy clean up

And get ready for bed.

They love each other

and their great big family

In a great brown house.

In a great big world.