Empty

That’s how I feel right now.

I’m pretty sure that’s not the way it’s supposed to be.

I’m empty

That’s how my heart is feeling and my body is yelling at me for food. But I just want to feel this right now. Empty…

I can smell the stale cigarette on my finger. And feel the hollow pit in my gut asking for something to eat. I won’t feed it.

It’s almost like I need to feel this. Empty.

There is so much in my life to be grateful for and yet I don’t feel like I deserve it much.

When my kids wake and call my name and my husband looks at me, this will go away. Right now, in the middle of the night with my stomach yelling at me and my chest vacant, i’m empty.

A shell is how I feel. A lucky shell, cause I have built love around me. And it will come in the morning. But this moment.

Once in a while, when this happens. I’m just empty.

void of anything. vacant. not worth what people say at all. how can they even love a shell? I don’t deserve any of it. When I can’t put this feeling aside and feel. I don’t deserve it.

When I can’t feel anything but empty.

I actually like the numbness. sometimes.

How can there be a heart so hollow? I know it’s there. I know it. But tonight it’s empty.

I’m such a fool. I’m so needed and so selfish sometimes. Why am I so selfish? And then to let this feeling in and almost welcome it? Emptiness? Is that what you want? You’ll let it win and let it think it deserves a moment of your life?

And yet, I’m empty.

So empty I am going to go to bed and I will curl into a ball around  it and then watch the sun come up and wait to hear my babies call for me. I’ll go to work with bags under my eyes and try not to cry when the feelings come back and I miss my family with every fiber of my being. I’ll need a hug and crave it from my husband. I’ll hate myself for not being what he deserves. I’ll focus on good things coming up and tell myself to stop being such a  selfish shit. There is no room in your life for being empty. Not when it’s so full.

Tomorrow I’ll binge and eat till I’m to full and feel so much I want to cry but today

this moment, I will be empty.

 

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