Lately I have been feeling not the greatest. This was the first holiday without my Dad. My mom isn’t doing so great but she also isn’t ready to leave the house up there. She’s hoping her oldest son can buy it somehow. Even though he doesn’t have a job. I guess they are saying that his wife’s mom will co sign with them. So I guess she’s hoping for the possibility that they will just take it over and she can leave. She’s stressed though and she calls me when she’s angry and she has a few to many beers and vents. I listen cause I really do love her and I really don’t want to push her to so something she’s not ready for. I feel like it’s taking a toll on me though. Then I get mad at myself.
I’ll give you a quick over view. My oldest brother molested me and my sister when we were younger. It took me 20 years to say anything to my parents and when I did, it didn’t matter… I wrote about it in my book on amazon https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07J486XGH Among other things that happen in my life… Anyway, Once I told my parents about my oldest brother who lives in the other half of their house, he threatened my family. If we ever came up there he would come after us. So I told my parents that. Their answer was to come down (we live 3.5 hours away) and visit us twice a year. Once during the summer when I throw a family picnic and then for Thanksgiving. For the past few years my father would ask us why we never came to visit them anymore and I would remind him that the people that live in the other half of their house threatened us… They would act confused, like the completely forgot and then they would go home until the next time they visited.
So whenever my mom used to complain about my oldest brother I would tell her I didn’t want to hear it. Now with my father being gone, I feel like I need to be there for her to have someone to vent to. Honestly, it feels like I am not important to her at all. Then I wonder why I even want her to come down and live by us? Like what is wrong with me?
So the holiday’s happen and I just wasn’t feeling happy. I told my husband that I think it’s time I really find someone to talk to and he said that he would help me.
I have a super supportive husband, we have 2 amazing children, 2 chunky pit bulls and a turtle. We worked our way up and bought our first house together almost 5 years ago. We are both still motivated and we motivate each other to continue to grow. We love each other still, more and more every day. My sister lives not far from us with her daughter and we have dinners at least once a week, we celebrate all our holidays and birthdays together. We help each other out. Plus, my husbands family is super supportive and not far away either so we spend a lot of time with them also. I mean we really built a great family life together. Plus, we have a great group of friends. In that sense I am beyond happy, blessed and grateful.
My husband has called all over town and the surrounding towns and every single psychiatrist that is in network with our insurance has a wait list or isn’t accepting new patients. So I am on a wait list for at least 6 weeks. It’s just really crazy. I can’t believe the lack of mental health support there is. Is this how it is all over? It’s so wrong. This happen to me a couple years ago too and the same thing happen and I ended up giving up and carrying on but this time I really feel like I need to talk to someone. So I wait, I guess.
I’m okay for now but hopefully I will get a call soon.
Moving forward 
This broke my heart because I have felt that lonely feeling of having no one that understands what is going on in side my head. It feels like a prison built of shame and regret. Even if the outside is beautiful and well put together my insides were dying my soul felt torn to shreds. I want to encourage you not to wait for a therapist, I couldn’t I almost died before getting help. I probably would have if I didn’t find a support group. If you ever need to talk about any of the sadness and loniliness that you are feeling please feel free to email me. Mattw481@gmail.com. I will only share my experience of going through what happened with me battling addiction and depression. I learned we don’t have to walk this path alone we can do it together. Best of Luck and thank you so much for being open and honest.
LikeLike
Thank you! I have an appointment with my PCP today so hopefully they can get me in somewhere. I just want to find someone to talk to so I don’t dump it all on my husband or family, you know? I’m working on it and I’m not going to give up this time. And thank you again. I am here if you ever need too. Jess@sirjstudio.com
LikeLiked by 1 person