Have you ever been driving down the road and just needed to scream? So loud you scare even yourself? I needed to do that the other day. Then I needed to scream again to see if that noise actually came from me. I almost wanted to open the window to see if anyone could even hear me… There have been times that this has happened in my life, usually at really stressful times. Sometimes I am driving and I think that maybe I could just wreck and that would be it. But that’s not a guarantee and I would hate to hurt anyone else so the thought usually just goes away and it actually hasn’t come back for a while until lately. Lately I have been in a funk with the holiday’s and missing my dad and trying to act like everything is all good or normal or whatever. On top of that I haven’t been sleeping well. I guess throw that all together and the reality is I probably have always needed a therapist but I think now I actually need a therapist.
Ever since my father died I have been waking up at 3:00 AM every day. I’ve watched enough horror movies to know that is a terrible hour to wake up. Maybe that’s why I stay awake, or maybe cause it’s so quiet (minus the 2 dogs and a husband snoring) and whatever I think about sticks in my head, I am not sure. Maybe cause it’s been 4 months since my dad died and I just wish I could see my dad again in a dream, even if for a second, and he could just smile and let me know that he’s alright. I keep waking up and I have nothing. In fact, I am having terrible nightmares and I usually wake up and think What the fuck is wrong with my brain? I have had dreams that everyone I care about has died and it’s always some fucked up way and I wake up thinking I am a terrible person. Then it takes a good hour or two for me to pray to god to please protect everyone and for me to feel a little bit better so I can calm my head and go back to sleep. About a week ago I woke up and actually wanted to just hurt myself. I wanted to bleed and feel it. I have never felt like that before, not ever in my life that I can recall. It scared the shit out of me. I told myself that I wouldn’t get out of bed, I would just pray for protection and if I did get out of bed I would wake up my husband… I didn’t end up getting out of bed, I just curled in a ball and prayed myself back to sleep. I have not felt that need again but I do think it’s time to go talk to someone. Also, my husband said I should always wake him up when I feel like this but I don’t see the need to have 2 people lose sleep every night but I will if I really need to.
So that’s where I am at right now. I think it’s a combination of everything that has happen this year and I have to learn how to deal with it. I will keep this blog posted about finding someone to talk to and what works for me. I do know that I need to do this not just for me but for my family and the people I love. I told my husband I think I am ready to talk again and we are going to pull our insurance and find someone in network this week so I can make an appointment. I am terrible at finding doctors and then calling them and the last time I did try to look for someone the wait to even see them was like 3 months. That was a year ago I should have made the appointment then but I thought I would find someone else with an earlier appointment available and then I just gave up. I am going to try to not give up this time.