*** This is a personal post, if you want something lighter please read some older posts. I will be back with light Friday posts tomorrow. This is just something that’s bothering me this week. ****
I had a huge thing written about my moms and my argument the other night. And then I deleted it this morning by accident… It was about how I feel so worthless and not appreciated. When my oldest brother talks bad about me or my family, she never defends us and it is making me feel like I am not important to her. I have told her it bothers me that she doesn’t say anything back and she says that what he says really isn’t that bad. Then why tell me about it?
In my deleted post I said I was done with everything because she has done this to me my entire life, not believed in me and never defended me. She said she didn’t take me on auditions when I was younger because she didn’t think I would make it and didn’t want to take time off of work. She didn’t save for college because she didn’t think I would ever go to college. She didn’t think I would ever get married or have kids or be able to buy a house, and yet I have done all these things by myself.
The most recent thing that happen is my mom is trying to decide what to do now that my father has died. She’s alone for the first time in her life and I am trying to be there for her and let her cry and take her time to make decisions. I am trying really hard to be there for her and be supportive.
It’s just really hard when I feel like everything I say is in one ear and out the other. There is a long complicated history about other people in my family.. Isn’t that the way families are? But besides all the details, the point that I am getting to is that all of this is making me depressed.
I have a family who loves, needs and believes in me so why do I bother putting myself in these situations where I am not appreciated at all. In fact, I feel so insulted most of the time.
So the other night my mother said a few things that really set me off and I kind of exploded on her with all the things I feel that she just ignores about me and her answer was…. to ignore everything I just said and to continue talking about her possibly moving in with my other brother next year… And I felt like I was hollow. Like my voice was gone and there was nothing left.
I am not going to post all the details like I was yesterday. I am just going to say that this is where I am right now. I am going to try to stop doing this to myself. I do love my mom but trying to dig myself out of this feeling doesn’t just effect me anymore, I have kids and a husband who actually need and value me.
So moving forward I will focus more on my family. The entire thing with my mom will take some time to figure out. I want to be there to listen but I need to distance myself enough to be able to just listen. It doesn’t really matter what I say anyway.
I don’t know… Anyone else in this situation? What has worked for you?