My mom and me, it’s complicated

*** This is a personal post, if you want something lighter please read some older posts. I will be back with light Friday posts tomorrow. This is just something that’s bothering me this week. ****
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I had a huge thing written about my moms and my argument the other night. And then I deleted it this morning by accident… It was about how I feel so worthless and not appreciated. When my oldest brother talks bad about me or my family, she never defends us and it is making me feel like I am not important to her. I have told her it bothers me that she doesn’t say anything back and she says that what he says really isn’t that bad. Then why tell me about it?
In my deleted post I said I was done with everything because she has done this to me my entire life, not believed in me and never defended me. She said she didn’t take me on auditions when I was younger because she didn’t think I would make it and didn’t want to take time off of work. She didn’t save for college because she didn’t think I would ever go to college. She didn’t think I would ever get married or have kids or be able to buy a house, and yet I have done all these things by myself.
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The most recent thing that happen is my mom is trying to decide what to do now that my father has died. She’s alone for the first time in her life and I am trying to be there for her and let her cry and take her time to make decisions. I am trying really hard to be there for her and be supportive.
It’s just really hard when I feel like everything I say is in one ear and out the other. There is a long complicated history about other people in my family.. Isn’t that the way families are? But besides all the details, the point that I am getting to is that all of this is making me depressed.
I have a family who loves, needs and believes in me so why do I bother putting myself in these situations where I am not appreciated at all. In fact, I feel so insulted most of the time.
So the other night my mother said a few things that really set me off and I kind of exploded on her with all the things I feel that she just ignores about me and her answer was…. to ignore everything I just said and to continue talking about her possibly moving in with my other brother next year… And I felt like I was hollow. Like my voice was gone and there was nothing left.
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I am not going to post all the details like I was yesterday. I am just going to say that this is where I am right now. I am going to try to stop doing this to myself. I do love my mom but trying to dig myself out of this feeling doesn’t just effect me anymore, I have kids and a husband who actually need and value me.
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So moving forward I will focus more on my family. The entire thing with my mom will take some time to figure out. I want to be there to listen but I need to distance myself enough to be able to just listen. It doesn’t really matter what I say anyway.
I don’t know… Anyone else in this situation? What has worked for you?
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7 thoughts on “My mom and me, it’s complicated

  1. I am sorry you had to go through that with your mum. It just goes to show that not everyone has a supportive mum. Reading posts like these, make me appreciate how lucky I am to have a mum that is supportive of me. I hope you’re okay.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Dear Lady,
    Why are you still strugglings to gain her approval…why is this still a focus for you as an adult? I did this myself as the that little girl still longed for it so desperately yet, I finally did realize that as an adult, I really didnt need it. Like to have it, yes, need it, no.
    I knew who I was, what I was and I grew confident in that furthermore, who and what I was to my own family and that was more than enough for me.
    Maybe your mom has grown sadly accustomed to this unhealthy dynamic between you as much as your need for approval, she feeds on your struggle for it, or perhaps she herself as a girl or woman, was made to feel she was less and thus inflicts the same?
    You, however, only must endure what you choose to. You have the power to distance yourself, force her to come to you, remove yourself completely…you have the power.
    You must though ask yourself, did you work hard to be successful, better, etc because of the way she was? Did you become more because she treated you less?
    Are you a more loving wife, mother, friend because of it…more supportive? Perhaps, as terrible as its felt, you indeed gain benefits that you possess and others enjoy. Even the worst, serve a purpose. You can’t make someone love you, accept you, support you, give you what you need from them. You cant change others, only yourself. Chances are, she’s giving you all she has. It may not be enough but it’s all she sadly has to give.
    You go forward knowing who you are, secure within yourself. Decide if maybe putting some distance between you may be best for you and better for your family not to experience as well and she’d be better staying with your brother.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Laura,
      I agree with you! I did have distance between us for a while. And I do think that everything I went through has helped shape the person I am now. We’ve been talking more lately because my dad is gone and I have been trying to help her with everything. Now I am realizing again why I had the distance there to begin with! So yes, going forward there will be distance again and she’ll probably be living with my brother. I think that’s probably best for everyone.
      Thank you for reading and your advice. I really appreciate it.

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      1. Hugs and hearts. 💕
        I had no contact with mine for 15 years, so I understand. During such time, I found forgiveness. Forgiving her didnt change her, it changed me, healing and empowering me and my life. All those years later, we have reunited and enjoy a healthy loving relationship. For me, it was God, healing me and only he could change her, and did. That time also was a benefit to my family . It allowed me protect my family from this abusive cycle that they not get caught in it as well. Give yourself some love for being strong enough to bare, and to remain a loving, faithful daughter.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. It takes courage to be so open and honest about your personal life struggles. All you can do is continue to be open and honest with your mother as well. Just like you lost your father, she lost her husband so you are both experiencing this tragedy together. Sorry for your loss xo.

    Liked by 1 person

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