New Year and I need to get back to myself. It took a long while for me to feel like writing again. To be honest, I still don’t have the desire, but I miss it sometimes. I still write every day but more just for me to figure out my feelings and emotions.

The last time I published anything on here was in November of 2022- A lot has happened since then. I got a new job that sucked. They told me all these things when I was hired and then when I started it was a different story. I stayed at the first one for 3 months and then found another job closer to home with better time off and more pay. That job was fine for about 7 months. Then one of the managers had a temper tantrum and ran around talking bad about me. The other manager agreed with me but wouldn’t stand up for me. So, I found another job.

I have been at this place for over a year now and I am honestly happy. I like the people, I like the place, I like all the benefits. I feel like I want to be here for a while.

I had to stop school for a bit because all the job searching was getting to me. I am a fast learner but learning 3 new billing systems and all the other systems that these places used was a lot. On top of home and kids and everything. So now that I am settled more at work, I am going to look back into finishing my BA. I will eventually.

It’s been over a year since I lost one of my closest  friends when she decided to divorce her husband and I guess my family too. She said I gas light her when I was upset because she was excluding me from all these things I would have loved to go to too. That statement from her completely fucked me up for a long time. First I had to google what gas lighting meant and I was wondering if I did and then how and then what could I have done differently. What I have finally come to realize is it was her changing and it wasn’t me. She didn’t want to be my friend anymore and instead of talking to me about it she just stopped talking to me at all. She told me my family was a buffer for her with her family. I didn’t want to believe it but it probably was the truth. She didn’t really care about me or my family. That was really hard for me to understand. I still think about it and it still hurts.

Then I started analyzing all my other friendships. It had me second guessing everything I was feeling. I just never thought I could be so disposable. I thought we were really going to retire and be neighbors on a lake somewhere. Just like we talked about on all the family vacations we took over the years. We were friends for 30 years. I never doubted we would be friends forever.

The good thing is that I am feeling better now. I have reconnected with old friends and made some new ones. I also realized where I stand with some other people who I thought I was important to but realized they didn’t value me. I’ve re evaluated where I am spending my time and with who. I’ll be fine but that was a hard lesson.

This year I am turning inward still. I need to find what makes me happy again and reconnect to life. I feel a little detached and I know it was me building the walls up. I have made some appointments for therapy. The new job has given me amazing benefits and I was able to go back to the doctors and get all my pains checks. I still need to lose weight but everything else seems ok.

My plans for this year are to work on me and go back to school. I want to write a few times a month for the blog. What are your plans for 2025?